For parents, there’s not much worse than seeing your child upset. Losing sports competitions can hurt—a lot. But often, in their attempts to comfort or advise, parents can accidentally make that sting of losing, getting benched, missing that goal, or getting that foul even worse.
Here are five things to avoid saying to your student-athlete, especially after a tough competition:
Number 1: Don’t say, “It’s just a game.”
Aside from being overused by both parents and coaches, this comment is one of the most frustrating things an athlete can hear after a loss. There’s an implication that by being “just a game”, the athlete’s efforts, skills, and emotional investment aren’t just worthless, they’re ridiculous. And especially after a loss – when athletes have just spent every last drop of their energy, just to be left with crushing disappointment and feelings of worthlessness – this comment is always better left unsaid.
Say this instead: “Your worth as an athlete is so much more than one game.”
Number 2: “You just need to work harder.”
It goes without saying that student-athletes are hard workers, often behind the scenes. While parents might think they’re encouraging their student-athlete with a little “tough love”, the reality is that burn-out is always closer than most parents realize. And especially after a loss, when your child just burned out every last drop of energy, being told to “work harder” can feel like an insult to all the hard work they’ve already invested.
Say this instead: “I know this hurts right now, but try to think about how hard you’ve worked to get here, and how strong you’ve become.”
Number 3: “Stop being so sensitive.”
In the youth sports world, especially for male-identifying athletes, coaches place heavy emphasis on “toughing it out”. As student-athletes progress into adults and professional athletes, that message translates into the powerful stigma that any and all negative emotions be quickly shut down and ignored. But it’s this unhealthy coping mechanism – suppressing one’s true emotions, and masking them behind a brave face – that leads to mental health issues down the road. It’s no coincidence that over a third of student-athletes report experiencing depression and anxiety. The emotions your child is experiencing are real and valid.
Say this instead: “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now. Take all the time you need to process this. If you want to talk about it, I’m here.”
Number 4: “I think you just looked a little slow out there.”
Two to four hour practices, morning lifts, exams, homework, team meetings, lack of social life, long bus rides, watching film, studying: these are just the surface of what student-athletes have to handle. The exhaustion that comes with working hard, in every aspect of a student-athlete’s life, will eventually leave an impact. So when your athlete lets that tiredness show, don’t berate them, or tell them to just grit their teeth and push through it. They get enough of that from their coaches, and more often, themselves.
Say this instead: “I can’t imagine how much you have to be juggling right now. I’m so proud that you went out there and gave it your all, even with everything else going on.”
Number 5: “It’s all the coach’s/ref’s fault.”
Alright, who hasn’t blamed the refs at some point? While you can’t always fault your student-athlete for blaming outside forces for their loss, this comment can quickly turn harmful. By shifting the blame to someone else – especially when they aren’t actually at fault – signals to your child that it’s okay to blame others for their mistakes. While tempting in the moment, this is an unhealthy method of coping with anger that can lead to some serious accountability issues later on.
Say this instead: “I’m sure it was frustrating having to play with those referees. We can’t control all the factors in a game, but I’m glad you played your best despite them.”
After losing, student-athletes are emotionally vulnerable. Even the most well-intentioned comment could be the ‘salt in the wound’ that sends student-athletes in a spiral about their worth or performance. If these cycles continue, it could even end up harming their long-term mental health.
However, the emotional vulnerability that comes with tough losses means that these moments are crucial for parent-child connection. Being there for your child, saying the right thing, could be the difference they need in these moments.
